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Dec. 23rd, 2008 @ 12:56 am What I Get is Never What I Need
Current Mood: depressedtired/stressed
Current Music: "Lost and Found" - Senses Fail
 Not the greatest day I've ever had. Just found out that I wont be going to Toronto, and I have no idea why. I was actually looking forward to getting out of here for a while. I've felt pretty repressed lately and it would have been nice to get a little relief. It's like I'm trapped.

Then there's a strange bump on my back, and it's quite painful. I don't know what it is, but it's very sensitive. It's really mostly an annoyance, but for some reason it genuinely upsets me.

I guess I'm just having a depressed/sensitive day, it doesn't feel like a swing. I'm probably just stressed and lonely. Maybe I'll feel better after I get some sleep.

(Oh, by the way, the song I'm currently listening to is fantastic, albeit depressing. Check it out)
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Dec. 3rd, 2008 @ 01:30 am But I'll Rise Above This, Rise Above This Doubt
I'm down, but never out. Though I'm falling down, I know that soon enough I'll hit the manic high (not nearly as good as it sounds), and then I'll be back to my normal complacency. It sucks, yes, but I've come to accept is as a part of me that I'm still not capable of overcoming. Currently I'm doing my best to face down a bitter lonliness. It's hard, definitely, but I'm not letting myself give up as easily as I have before. I'm constantly fighting to improve how I deal with this, and I honestly think I've made improvments. Perhaps some day I can say I've beaten it, but that day has not come yet. Then again, maybe I'll never completely rid myself of it, but I know I have to try, and I know that I have it in me to better myself. Giving up is not an option, I gave up a year ago and now I'm haunted by how far I let myself slip. I will never make that mistake again.

Saturday night on the way back from visiting a friend in jail I had a conversation with his mom that I will not forget any time soon. I really opened up to her about what I'm dealing with, and a few other things that have been on my mind, and she really made me realize the full impact of something that I've always felt. It was a very changing moment for me. Though I've never been shy to say where I stand on that subject, she really showed me how deeply it is embedded in the very fibers of whatever it is that makes me who I am. Though this epiphany had a very positive effect, at the same time it makes things slightly more difficult for me.

As much as I try to make things as simple as they can be, it never turns out like I think it should. I still have hope that I will eventually get there.


In less existential news, I've started to pick up more shifts at work. This week is Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, next week Monday through Friday. It's nice to have a job that I'm actually happy to pick up extra shifts. The money will be nice, too.

I'm still occasionally tuning into politics, but not nearly as obsessively as before, which is a good thing. I've actually been watching movies again. Holy crap. I think that may have something to do with my sweet new tv, but I can't complain.

Anyways, I'm out of things to say for now. I'm so glad I can write whatever I want here. I started this entry pretty down, and at this point I'm now feeling pretty alright, and that's always a good thing.
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Nov. 28th, 2008 @ 10:23 pm ...and Maybe I'll Catch Fire
 I'm feeling somewhat self-destructive. It's been close to a year since I did something I will always regret. Thankfully no one knows about this except one other person, otherwise I don't think I'd be able to show my face in public. Yeah, it's something that happens quite often with other people, but to me it means I let go of the person that I know I am, and that I know I should be. I can't get the thoughts out of my head. I fucked up pretty bad that day and I sincerely hope I can learn to let it go, but for now it serves as a reminder that I am not always capable of being the strong-willed person that I want to be. It reminds me that I am human. I make mistakes, and I certainly did that day. If anything I'm happy that I know better now.
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Nov. 21st, 2008 @ 01:31 am Stars
 The stars were beautiful tonight. I saw Orion, and it was amazing.

Lack of updates recently because I have been keeping busy.
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Nov. 15th, 2008 @ 07:48 pm Something Big is Happening
 Take a look at Andrew Sullivan's blog today (link below). Proposition 8 and the religious opposition of marriage equality has sparked something across every part of the country. This reminds me of a certain movement in the 60's...

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Nov. 15th, 2008 @ 01:17 am Here We Go...
 After the election was over I said I would try to start talking about me more; and I guess I don't have to apologize to anyone for not doing it, but I feel like discussing why I have been so apprehensive may be the key to actually getting things started. It's worth noting that my fingers are itching to hold down that backspace button right now. This is something that I believe I have to do, though, because the reason I created this journal/blog/whatever you want to call it was so that I could have a place to voice myself, and get things from my mind out into the open so that I don't explode.

Why am I so hesitant to vent? It's because I feel like I have a resposibility to be stoic and appear strong no matter the circumstances. I have to show that I'm in control of my emotional states even though they bounce back and forth like a four year-old after three Red Bulls. It is imperative that everyone around me knows that I'm not going to fly off the handle over any little thing, even if I don't know that myself. I don't like to talk about what goes on in my head for many reasons: I'm afraid someone will think less of me, I'm afraid someone will figure out my flaws and weaknesses, I'm afraid no one will care, I'm afraid that people won't trust me anymore, I'm afraid someone will think I'm weak, I'm afraid that I'll appear unreliable, but most of all I'm afraid that others will be afraid of me.

Okay, cosidering that I'm already regretting this I think it's time to give it a rest for one night. If you are reading this, it means I overcame the urge to mark it private.
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Nov. 15th, 2008 @ 12:43 am Hillary for Secretary of State? Yes, Please.
 So Hillary Clinton was offered Secretary of State. My opinion: BRILLIANT!

Now now, before you go thinking I'm crazy, hear me out. First of all, she is a commanding presence in the senate, and if Obama doesn't keep her on his side, it's possible she'll use her voice against him. As much as I didn't want her as President, that's not to say I don't think she's an intelligent person, she knows what she's doing and it's better to have her working with our guy rather than against him. Also, having her as Secretary of State will mean good things for healthcare, which is one of her best areas in my opinion. There are other good things involved in this (being a Clinton + foreign relations = great) but I will digress. It all comes down to the fact that Obama has said that he plans to govern with a team of people who all have different viewpoints to bring to the table (a Team of Rivals as he says), and that really is the way our government needs to be. Also, there was another President who appointed his biggest rival to Secretary of State, his name was Abraham Lincoln. I'm not crazy; this is a brilliant move. As Andrew Sullivan puts it: "It's an elegant and shrewd move; both public spirited and yet coldly calculating at the same time. Pure Obama."
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Nov. 10th, 2008 @ 11:05 pm Omnia Vincit Amor

[If the video does not display, find it here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4xfMisqab8]

Thomas Jefferson said [not in these exact words] that the rights of the minority should never be put up for the approval of the majority, because the majority will almost always quash the minority for their own aggrandizement.

I am absolutely distraught over this. It should never have happened.

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Nov. 9th, 2008 @ 02:54 am The End of a Great Journey
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: "I Don't Care" - Apocalyptica ft. Adam Gontier
 Tuesday, November 4, 2008, 11:00 P.M. Eastern Standard Time: My faith in the country is gloriously restored.

Yeah, I'll admit it, I got teary-eyed watching his victory speech.

I have been so looking forward to trying to forget Sarah Palin and move on... she honestly frightened me. Yes, I have laughed at her expense many times, however the thought of this woman running the country ('cause let's face it, McCain isn't getting any younger or healthier) was like a fucking nightmare. It showed great irresposibility on the part of John McCain to pick her as his running mate. Anyone who can so blatantly deny reality does not deserve the office of Vice President of the United States of America, and in fact I don't believe she even deserves the office of the Governor of Alaska.

Though I wanted to be able to forget her, it seems the powers that be will not allow me to. The media continues to follw her around (yeah, the post-election coverage is hilarious, but still), and there have been murmors amongst the right that she may soon be a "leader" in the party, and has been called the "Star" of the Republican Party [not sure who said that, I wasn't paying much attention to the guy's name].

Apparently this awful woman will continue to haunt me.

As for Election Night, though I had a great time watching the coverage. It seemed so funny to me, considering the only previous Presidential Elections I remember are 2000 and 2004, that the winner was determined after only four hours of coverage. McCain's consession was incredibly gracious, and it is unfortunate that the crowd was not on the same page as he was. Alas, it was the divisive nature of his campaign that ultimately made the crowd what it was, but unfortunate nonetheless.


Now as for me, I'm not sure what I'm going to do to continue this blog. I will continue it, but seeing as the election has thus far been the main focus, I don't know what I'm going to be talking about. I do now consider myself a politics junkee, and will most likely continue to talk about various things in that realm, however that can only fill so much space. I think I may actually begin to talk about things in my own life (as I said I would in the outset), the trick will be to find the confidence to do so. The thought of discussing what goes through my mind is more than unsettling. I guess we'll see what happens.
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Nov. 3rd, 2008 @ 08:18 pm Et tu, Rove?
Current Location: KVCC
Current Music: Chopin
 GOP sleazeball extraordinaire Karl Rove is now predicting an Obama victory 338 to 200.

Wait, WHAT!?!?

I, however, am still on pins and needles. I am only very slightly optimistic.

I have never said 'tomorrow' with as much apprehension as I have now.
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